Dulu masa darjah 4, blaja grammar dgn Teacher See. selalu kena buat exercise questions dalam buku grammar tu sebagai homework. ada satu hari tu, Teacher ckp nk buat rules baru. kalau salah lebih dari dua soalan kalau x silap, kena rotan kat telapak tangan. setiap exercise tu rasanya ada plus minus 10 questions kot. Kes neves takut kena rotan so buatla exercise tu btol2. alhamdulillah result BI boleh dikatakan okay la dari UPSR sampai SPM. cemerlang sangat2 tu takla. tapi okay.

Kat rumah? kat rumah ada rotan tapi umi ngn abah tak pnah rotan. mungkin dah stop guna rotan lepas abg kot? ke saya tak ingat eh? ntah. atau sebab rotan hilang? sbb one day, kitorang kemas2 rumah pastu terjumpa rotan. time tu rasanya skolah rendah lagi. xsure la org sorok rotan tu ke apa haha. then lepas tu saya amik rotan tu sorok balik bwh katil sbb takut nanti umi abah tiba2 nak guna. hahaha. bertuah punya budak. tapi klu skrg saya bgtahu saya kecik2 dulu nakal semua tak percaya -_-

Rotan tu mmg scary, in a way. tapi dia ajar kita yg bila kita buat salah, kita akan dapat 'sakit'. so as a child, kita akan fikir dua kali sebelum buat salah. sbb we feel the pain. physically.

Bukan utk budak2 je, org dewasa pun kalau kita buat salah, kita akan dapat 'sakit' jgk. but as an adult kita dah boleh fikir dan faham yg 'sakit'= bad consequences/ dosa etc.

So the physical pain does educate those kids, in a way.

Tapi janganla beriya sangat dok merotan, sampai jadi kes dera. sebab rotan tu ramai dah salah guna kot, jadi org rasa rotan tu sesuatu yg tak patut. saya rasa la. sebab dulu pegi belajar mengaji, Tok Guru tu pegang je rotan. tapi merotan nye tak pernah. rotan tu jadi props je. hehe.

Rotan. nak guna boleh, tapi niat kena betul. utk mendidik. innamal a'maalu binniat kan. pandai pun.

just my 2 cents.

saya? kalau saya tak sampai hati lah nak rotan. but i'm not against it though if it's for the right cause.


"Was i not enough? Even though it was just the two of us, i was okay with just you.
Better than having 10 or 100 other friends. I was perfectly happy with just you"


"Do you know when is the best time to sharpen pencils? When your mind is blinkered. Which is right now. Think of this pencils as your wavering mind and shred it. Then like a miracle, you will calm down. Try it"


this is quoted from a drama i watched long time ago. hahaha yes i quote things a lot whether its from movies, books, songs or even when someone is talking. and i'm easily attracted to beautifully constructed sentences, especially when i can relate to them. well, it's a habit.

btw when i was watching the drama, the thing they talked about suddenly reminds me of someone. i'm glad that i do have that one moment in my life when someone said those things to me :) ( bewaree CHEESY words coming throughhhh :p)

for some good reasons she said, "saya kan ada. tak cukup ke awk ada saya?" with tears in her eyes.

long story short, this happened 8 years ago.

she said the sweetest thing ever. but i left the place and ended up going to Miri. and get stuck there for a while.

later on whenever i went to visit her during semester breaks she will always tease me, "see i told you, you should have stayed here. it will be fun. we can hangout more. yada yada yada"

She has said goodbye to UM and I have said my goodbye to Miri.  I'm not sure if its good bye for now or good bye for good, who knows i end up working in Miri later? Anyhow, Miri sure did taught me a lot of things about life.

I actually already miss Miri. The campus, my scooter, the clouds, the wide sky, microscopes and even my favorite green stool i used to sit on in the mineralogy lab. Last but not least, the non-racist, laid back, open-minded Mirians.


ups and downs in life come like a season.
years later you end up laughing at yourself and wish you could have traveled back in time and teach the younger you better ways to deal with things. but hey, that's not your job.

you gotta do what you gotta do now. live. and keep getting better.

that's what we're all actually unconsciously doing :)


when i was in form 4, i took some sort of career test and the counselor said career that suits me would either be lawyer, psychiatrist or designer. (imagining myself as a lawyer didn't really make sense to me though)

and she said i look straight into other people's eyes when talking, even when i meet them at the very first time.

nowadays when you do that people will misunderstood it as being into them.

the fine line between focus and flirt.


maybe that's why some people wear shades in shopping malls.

anyways, convocation is in April and i didn't end up doing any of the career she mentioned. or not yet? who knows hahaha.



its 3.53am here. i don't know what on earth am i still doing at this hour. i didn't even stay up this late to study back then. well, i have no class to attend tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, or i guess maybe ill never ever attend any classes again? ever.?

well imma bit relieved to know that, but i am also a bit scared. actually a lot. you know, that uncertain feeling of what will comes next? i think i mentioned this in my previous post. well i'm not as much worried as i was before.

i'm thinking of furthering masters, but i think i should work first to gain experience. but then, what if i don't get any job? should i open up a business? (urgh but i think i'm bad at business).

plus by next year i will be 25 y o. i was like, really? that fast?

2016. what will be happening to me? where will i be? this thoughts in my head are endless.

oh yes, mom mentioned that if my brother's getting married next year, why not if i get married too then we could make it a joint wedding ceremony. urgh momm -_- i don't even have anyone to be married to. plus i am currently jobless. duhh mom -_- she said many people even got married while studying. well, i agree. i'm not against it. if their time has come then why not? marriage means responsibility though. a HUGE responsibility. and to me marriage is like, moving mountains.

yeah i saw all these wedding invitations and friends getting their first child and such but i'm still cool about it. well some people've found their other half sooner and some just don't. what's the hurry anyway? (err mom gonna kill me if she knows this hahaha).

not that i didn't think about it at all,
it's just that i have so much other things in my head right now other than that.

i'm not waiting for anyone.

but i'm not moving, for my own sake.

btw, this cover is not bad.


7 years. (well okay actually 6.5)
they left, one by one.

the longer you stay, the more people you know.
they occupy that space in your heart.
and their absence makes your occupied heart aches.

because you tend to remember every single person you've met,
and you never forget,
you have wounded soul.

so you search for solace in solitude.

in the end, being in solitary moment, becomes easy.

but still,

sometimes i cry alone. just because i miss them.
sometimes i listen to songs, and cry because it reminds me of them.
to be honest, i am not that strong. i too, cry sometimes.

i'm fine, really.
i just miss a lot of people who were used to be here.


i've once told my tok,

"you'll be healthy till the day i get married"

because she told me, she wonders if she will still be around once i've graduated, get a job etc.

it turns out that she passed away before i did any of those things she mentioned.

well it's been quite a while since she'd been gone. but somehow i am reminded of these words today.

i've always thought that, since now tok is not here anymore, mom must have been very lonely.

so she might as well gets more touchy, you know.

anyway, i wasn't so close to my tok.

i don't talk a lot. so yeah. sometimes i blame myself for being that quiet.

but tok always tried to be funny. so i laughed at most of the things she said.

when i was in primary school, i will wait for my mom to pick me up at my tok's house.

she will make sure i eat whatever food available at her house. she will keep asking "have you eaten? already?" like every 5 minutes until you finally go and grab something to eat.

she was already sick at that time so she don't walk that much and just stays in bed.

there's one day when she said "sorry, if i've done you wrong".

i didn't know what was that for.

i mean, she has done nothing wrong.

but though, i respected her for that. i mean she is the eldest in the family but she still say sorry to the young ones. though i am sure it was for nothing.

people always say that you only know you love them when they're gone.

i think its kinda true.

and you feel that, you wish that you would've done better.


i used to wake up passionately and ask myself. so how will today be? would there be more ticks on my to-do-list?

i was looking forward to changing.

wasn't sure of making great changes anytime soon but i was constantly motivated to improve. to live life a bit closer to how i pictured it is supposed to be.

time flies, things changed, i messed things up.

and i don't feel as lively as before. not sure whether it is part of growing up but i kind of losing the passion. i don't feel as much excitement anymore.

now it's more to worry.

i'm graduating very soon. so, what's next?

what's next is too vague, with the current economic recession, oil price going down, and my not-so-impressive cgpa.

i know i should not worry myself and look forward to tomorrow with a more positive attitude. instead of whining i should've been preparing for a good plan.

in fact, i'm good at planning stuffs.

but the thing is, i don't have the passion to do it.

urgh. and that sucks.

so yeah. it's me here whining and i should stop now, go out and fix it.